How do you give a man back his balls when there is no man in your life?
That sounds rather strange and peculiar! Well, provided that you want a man in your life, it could be that ‘he’ is not there because you are wearing balls yourself. I know that is a rather revolutionary thought and may sound preposterous, but I would like you to hear me out and have an open mind whilst reading this chapter. Because it could well be, that ‘wearing balls’ in one or more areas of your life gives prospective applicants to becoming the man in your life the message that you are not worth pursuing.
If you are wearing balls in your career area, you will give men the idea that you have balls at home too, so they will not pursue you as a masculine man will not want to be dominated by a woman in the home. On the other hand, you may attract men without balls, who find it convenient that you are wearing them, so you can handle all areas of your joint life and look after him as well. What these type of guys are seeking is a substitute for their mothers. If you do not want the type of relationship where you are in charge of everything including everything to do with your man, you need to look at exchanging your masculine energy for feminine energy at times.
If you are in a high powered job, where you have a lot of responsibility and are in a position of power, this may seem impossible, but you need to transform yourself when going on a date, at social engagements and generally outside the work environment. You can also start looking at injecting some feminine touches in the work environment. So many women wear the equivalent of the man’s suit to work. You can add a lacy top underneath, or some jewellery to turn it into a more feminine outfit. You may want to let your hair grow a bit, creating softness and femininity or you may choose to add jewellery and accessories that emphasises your feminity. You can reserve a corner in your office for a fluffy chair, a lamp with beads, some candles, a pretty gauze throw and some nice pictures that add some personal and feminine touches to the place where you work and spend the majority of your waking time. Even when you are the equivalent of the ‘Bobby on the beat,’ you can add some feminine touches to the stark and unimaginative uniform you wear every day. Remember that you can hide your sexy lingerie under there! My dear friend Alice is a member of the special services. She spends her work time chasing villains and ridding this world of unkind individuals and gangs who live from the drug trade, child prostitution and other unpleasantries. You can imagine that Alice needs to be a toughie in her work and that there is not a lot of opportunity to display feminine qualities in her career. Even though she is the best part of six foot, and as fit as a butcher’s dog, Alice never fails to amaze me with her total femininity. She wears pretty underwear (I know, as we have shared rooms), goes out of her way to buy lovely tops and skirts and whenever she is in the Far East, where her work often takes her, she will have beautiful dresses and gorgeous suits made. Alice admits that she does make extra effort lately, as she used to dress and be just like one of the ‘guys.’
My client Jenny was a lawyer in her early forties. Her parents had been proud of her, as she was the first female in the family to have gone to university and have gotten a degree. She was held up as the example for her younger sister, brother and cousins. Jenny was a role model in other areas of life as well. She was an amazingly talented hockey player and at the age of sixteen played for England, whilst still at secondary school. For practical reasons, she wore her hair short, so she could wash it frequently after hockey training or a match and tended to wear comfortable clothing. She usually wore a pair of trousers of the outdoors type, and a short sleeved polo shirt and a pair of trainers. To go to work she would tend to wear a white or cream blouse with a dark trouser or skirt suit. She had some comfortable court shoes in both black and navy blue that she would alternate wearing, depending on the colour of her suit. Jenny was now in her early forties and had just been asked to become a partner in her law firm.
She was delighted as she loved her job and enjoyed the company of the other two partners, two likable and handsome brothers. They had taken Jenny under their wing when she had just graduated and were pleased with how she had blossomed and was able to take on a huge amount of the workload. After Jenny joined, the firm had grown larger and was able to take on more prestigious clients. Jenny had proven that she could hold her own, and Jonathan and Andrew were as fond of her as if she were their sister. Jenny had her own office, which was stark, light and sparsely furnished. She loved her career and was also pleased with the fact that she was still able to play hockey in the ladies first team of the local club. She lived on her own, in a first floor flat, where she had been for fifteen years, which was conveniently located for her work. She had some friends, whom she had known since university and even a few that dated back to her secondary school days. On days off, she liked to socialise with friends, go to the gym and play her weekly game of hockey. She had had a few relationships with men, but nothing much to speak of. Jenny started to regard herself as an old spinster and was wondering if she would ever have a long and intimate relationship with the man of her dreams.
Jenny consulted me a few times, and it became clear that she was so self sufficient and masculine in her energy that she almost scared men who were interested in her. She drove a nice car, she owned a decent flat, she seemed to have all her ducks in a row, which could have deterred any interested parties. To start with we set her the task to go shopping, let her hair grow a little and add some fun, little trinkets to her stark looking office. Part of her homework was to have fresh flowers in her office and her house continuously. She also went out and bought some more feminine looking training clothes. As she had a lovely figure, I tasked Jenny with going shopping with a friend who had good and feminine taste. She went and bought some great looking tight jeans and high heeled boots that showed off her shapely legs. The next time I saw her, she wore those, with a low cut top and some dangly, sparkly ear rings. She looked transformed and fabulously feminine! She told me that it was a huge stretch and that the heels were uncomfortable at times, but she gradually got used to looking (and feeling!) more feminine. Over time, she would still wear combat trousers, but she watched out that they were a fun colour and always had some frilly detail or other to offset the masculine details. In due course, Jenny managed to find her own style that was feminine, comfortable and unusual. When walking through the courtrooms, she had started to notice that men looked at her, and sure enough, she was simply stunning and well on her way to be the woman she was meant to be. During a seminar abroad, she finally met a great guy, Joe, who was actually from a little village close to where she lived. They have been together for the last six months, and the last thing I heard were rumours that Jenny and Joe are getting married in summer. Jenny had happily discarded the balls that were not meant for her in the first place.
You may be a woman who oozes that ‘independence signal,’ from every pore of her skin. If you are in this category, any guy who comes along will back off, as there is nothing he can add to your life. Your life is already complete without the addition of a partner, so he concludes (probably incorrectly) that he is going to be redundant in your life very soon. Masculine men do not like to be on par with doing the gardening, playing golf and spending time with friends when it comes to the order of importance of activities in your life! You will need to let potential candidates know that, if they turn out to be Mr. Right, they will be number one on your ‘to-do list.’ You need to let people know that you are doing the gardening and the friend’s thing only to kill time until you find a fulfilling relationship. If it seems that you have your whole life sorted without the need for a man, he will pass your door concluding that you are not in need of a man. Even when he finds you attractive, he will go elsewhere, where he is able to add value to a woman’s life. Remember, a guy is in a relationship to make a woman happy. If you are seemingly blissfully happy already, there is nothing he can add. If you give him strong signals that there is a place for him in your life, he will be encouraged and may explore possible future encounters.
Sophie is a single woman. She is fiercely independent and in her early thirties. She has long, wavy, blond hair, a cheeky, open smile, a wicked sense of humour and drives a BMW open top sports car. She has a good career and is head of the chemical laboratory with an agricultural feed company. Sophie gets paid very well in her job. She was able to purchase her first house one and a half year ago, with just a very small mortgage and is looking to buy an investment buy to let property. Sophie has two younger brothers. Her eldest brother David owns the plant nursery and flower shop in a small market town near his parents. He is married with kids. Her younger brother Hugh lives with his long term boyfriend in London. Hugh is an actor trying to make it in London’s West End, but has up to now not been very successful. Sophie’s parents are farmers, and live two hours driving away from her. Sophie visits her parents regularly. She is fond of spending time nattering with her Mum and loves the debates she always has with her Dad. Sophie is the eldest child, and has suspected her Dad of being disappointed by her gender. She has always gone out of her way to please him and make him proud. The ways she found that worked best, were to get good grades at school, be the best in sports and follow a career that he approved of. As came to light fairly early in their childhood, Sophie must have been the one who stood first in line, when it came to handing out the brains. Her brothers were either not in the same line, or very far at the back. Their father had always wanted at least one of his sons to go to university. It had been something that he dreamed of, but was denied to him as he was his parent’s only son. He was expected to take over the family farm which he did. When Sophie turned out to be more brainy than her two brothers, their father put all his hopes on his daughter, and he was pleased that the woman’s movement had made it acceptable for girls to continue in higher education and even university. He was so proud when Sophie won herself a place to read biochemistry at Bath University, and he positively glowed at her graduation. Both parents had always given all three kids the message that they must be able to stand on their own two feet, be able to provide for themselves and be able to make a decent living. Sophie was the one who had really taken this to heart. When she was only nineteen, she had declined her Dad’s kind offer to pay for her trip to New Zealand and had worked two consecutive summers in various waitress jobs to save up for the airfare and pocket money herself. Her whole life had been one continuous story of success and independence. The only area that Sophie was desperately unhappy with was the area of intimate relationships. Sophie had had quite a few relationships with men. She seemed to always attract the wrong type. She went for the bad boys, as they seemed more fun initially. Once when she thought she had found ‘the one,’ she found out after having lived together with Eric, and even having been engaged to him, that although he seemed masculine, he was a compulsive liar and had a drink problem that turned him into a violent man at home. Another one of her sad relationship stories was when she was at university and sort of lived together with Graham. Graham was two years older and was supposed to graduate his sports medicine studies. Somehow she had ended up writing most of his thesis and also seemed to be writing all the synopsis of his biomechanics text books. Certainly, she was fascinated by the subject, but was less enamored by Grahams’ lack of ability to take responsibility for his own future. Needless to say that Graham failed his exams and after a few months, the relationship petered out as well. Sophie came to me for coaching. She seemed to have such a fulfilled life and gave signals to the outside world, that she was perfectly ok on her own. It did not look like she needed a man in her life. Men tend to be deteriorated by this; she had balls and did not need a man to bring some more to the party. Sophie was tasked with being more in her feminine energy. What this entailed was to start delegating jobs at work, such as heavy carrying, fetching and doing errands. She was to go out more with her girlfriends instead of working overtime. She was to rethink her identity of ‘independent woman.’ She was to go out and talk with both men and women, and tell anyone when it came up in conversation that she was actively seeking an intimate relationship and that this was one thing that was missing in her life. Word started to get out. ‘Sophie is looking for a relationship!’, ‘What, you mean Sophie, the head of the lab, who seems so independent?’ ‘Yes, that’s the one!’ ‘My word, I never thought she needed a man, she does not give the impression that she does.’ ‘It may be worth my while asking her for a date!’ Sure enough, one thing led to another, Sophie has been on a few dates with different men, ranging from the company accountant to her brother’s long standing friend Ben, and a family friend who never dared ask her out before. She showed some vulnerability by expressing her needs.
She has changed her language and also her identity. Instead of being an ‘independent woman who can take care of herself and does not need anyone’, she has developed into a woman who is happy with her own company and open to welcome a man into her life.
You seem to be unavailable. This could be because you travel, are busy with work or other engagements such as your kids, your social life, sports, and your ex! (Men tend to shy away when a woman is still somehow attached to an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband; they do not think it is worth the hassle, in contrast to many women who can live in hope for years of a possible definitive break-up between the man of theor dreams and his ex-to-be). Maybe you are so absorbed by the exciting stuff that is going on in your life, that any potential candidate will be deterred by those seemingly unconquerable obstacles.
Debbie is always on the go. She is the taster and buyer of wines for a supermarket chain. This means she travels the world, and has to spend time in remote places around the globe where ever there are vineyards to be found. I bumped into her on my way back from Fiji, when my plane was rerouted via Auckland. Debbie had just been on a wine tasting trip in New Zealand. Even though I could see that she could be attractive with a little make-up, she looked tired and a bit haggard in a comfy but shapeless tracksuit. I was fascinated by her career; I never even knew such an exciting job existed! She told me the fairy tale story of her profession. She painted a picture of lovely vineyards off the beaten track, ramshackle, but romantic farmhouses in Spain, donkey rides in Turkey and boat trips down rivers in South America. She told me that there was only one drawback. She spent so much time abroad with possible suppliers, in hotels, in airports and in airplanes, that it had been impossible for her to have a long term relationship. She was constantly on the go, lived out of a suitcase most of the time, and when home, would just crash out for a couple of days before boarding a plane again. She did not organise her life very well, and never knew when was the next time she was going to be home. She had a bunch of friends that she liked to hang out with, but most of them were friends from school who now had their own families and were settled into family life. The few single male friends she had were more like brothers. Every time she met a man she liked outside her social circle, he was instantly put off to take things further by Debbie’s busy travel schedule. My advice to her was to make sure there were times that she was available and plan her life more so that she knew when she was home a couple of months ahead. She also agreed that she mostly dressed in rather drab outfits when not working and we discussed this was not the best way to show herself to the world. She said she would buy a few nice, but comfy outfits to travel in and just add a dash of make up whilst travelling. She emailed me recently to say that she had started to date Mike, a divorcee, who she met in the airline lounge on her way to one or other exotic destination.
You can be the strong woman. The career woman who has made it financially. It can be that a man will be stopped in his pursuits for fear of being the one who is provided for, or for having to compete with you for the highest income. The man with balls will not want to fit in with your long term vision, as he has his own. Again, it will be easy to find a guy without balls who will happily slot into your plans. Ask yourself if this is what you want.
Why do single women need balls anyway?
It is possible that a woman has had balls from a very young age. She could have been the eldest child. Maybe she was in charge of her younger siblings. Or she was expected to be a boy and disappointed her father. In order to please him she strapped on some balls and acted from her masculine energy early on. It could have happened later in life. During her teenage years she might have been the one who took charge in class and was chosen to be the prefect, or the class spokes person in disputes. Later on in life, during illness of a parent, it could have been that she was the one everyone started to lean on.
Is there any time that women need balls?
There are some times that it is useful to keep some balls at hand (excuse the pun). I always get amused when the boss of a company that I do contract work for complains that his women executives are not feminine enough. What he probably means is that they have balls in the work place, and keep wearing them in their personal life. In certain instances it is useful to have balls. Nicola Horlick would not have progressed where she is now if she would not have balls in her career. Margaret Thatcher needed to have the balls of the nation (in her handbag?) when in charge of Britain. There are situations where having balls is appropriate. When your house is on fire, it pays to keep your head cool and get out of the nearest door, saving your nearest and dearest in the process. When your child is about to choke on a boiled sweet, you want to give him a good thump between the shoulder blades in order for him to spit the culprit out. When you have just managed to ‘park’ your car in the canal, it is helpful to have the clarity of thought and be able to save yourself and kids by opening the sunroof or bashing your side window with the fire extinguisher. Have balls for the occasions that you need them.
What do you do to get rid of them?
You may want to have a little ceremony to give those balls -that were never yours in the first place- back to the Universe (as there is no particular man whose they are). You may just need to give them to the Man in the Moon!
Just so long as you vow to give them up as you do not longer need them. Bless them out of your life. What is your alternative? Find out why and how in the chapters two, three, four and five. If you have decided that you do need balls at times, make sure you hang them by the front door when you step into your personal life. Margaret Thatcher would have left her handbag on the hall table, thus leaving the balls of the nation outside her private life with Dennis. She would have had a change of clothes, brushed the familiar waves out so her hair was soft and straight and would have curled up on the sofa beside Dennis in her fluffy pink dressing gown with a Linda McCarthy ready meal, to watch his favourite TV show. So, have a shower, or even better, a long, hot bath, don your prettiest gown and mules and glide through your house feeling truly feminine.
Make sure that whatever strategies you choose, to follow through for at least twenty one days. It takes twenty one days to form a habit. You will find that you are able to remind yourself on a less regular basis after that time. To permanently shed those balls, you need to remind yourself of the fact that you are a feminine woman without balls. It may be that under stress you easily grab for the balls again! People tend to regress to old behaviour patterns under stress. Just bear that in mind and be easy on yourself. Most people are hard on themselves and easy on others, we beat ourselves up for slipping, for not being perfect and for making mistakes.
Remember that mistakes are really learning experiences. It has been proven that when an airplane flies from London to New York, it is on the precise route for only 3% of the time, yet it still gets to New York. The pilot does not get depressed because he is a few degrees off route. He will look at his instruments, find out that he is a few degrees off course and correct it. Some time later, he will look again, find out that now he is a couple of degrees off course on the other side and correct it. At no time will he feel the urge to don his parachute and eject himself from the plane. There is no way he would be leaving you and your friend who intend to go on a shopping spree on Fifth Avenue, to crash in the Atlantic Ocean. Even though that plane that takes you to New York is only on the exact route for 3% of the time, you and your spend thrifty friend will still get there. Now, let us apply this analogy to this and the other areas of your life that you have intended to improve. What that means is that when you slip up or make a mistake, you do not sink in to a depression. You do not whine and winge as if the worst has happened. No, you get up, ruffle your feathers, pull yourself up by the bra straps and get on with it!
How do I recognise a man with balls?
Before you go on your first date with a man, there are a few things to know. Men with balls phone women, they do not leave their phone number for you to ring them. Men with balls take you out, they do not ask for you to take them out. When you are actually on the date, know that men with balls make sure their car is cleaned before the date; they do not go through the carwash as part of the date! Preferably they have also filled up with petrol, so you will not be stranded on some or other hard shoulder between here and there. Should you get stranded, they walk to the nearest petrol station to get a jerry can of petrol themselves, they do not send you, and neither do you offer! (If this should happen, he may not have a ball issue, there may be other issues that we will not discuss in this book. just be aware!) They either get the cinema, theatre or whatever tickets before you get there, or on getting there. They do not drop you in front of UGC to get the tickets whilst they are parking the car. Men with balls will take your coat, get you a drink & buy you a meal. Men with balls will book a table at a restaurant or go to a place they know will have space available. They do not drive around endlessly until they find somewhere that can somehow squeeze you in. Men with balls ring you after the first date. Men with balls do their own shopping. Men with balls do not triumphantly conjure up their own personal wicker basket from the boot of the car when pulling up at Tesco’s. Men with balls take charge in emergencies. When you are in the car together and have a prang on the motorway, they will ring 999 (unless dead or unconscious), take the other person’s details and deal with all the formalities. They do not ring their Mum, their ex, a mate or hand you the mobile to speak to the officer in charge. Men with balls check out your flat for burglars when you have heard a strange noise. They do not wait downstairs in their car whilst you go in to make sure all is well. Men with balls stay when your three year old son has woken up in the middle of the night frightened of crocodiles under his bed. Men with balls hang around when the going gets tough, when your fifteen year old daughter has a fit because Mum’s boyfriend is not the same as Dad. They do not run to the GP for stress relieving drugs because they can’t cope with the pressure. Men with balls deal with their own crises at work. They do not ask you to be their therapist.
Where do I find a man with balls?
Men with balls are to be found in all layers of society. Different races and cultures will all have men with and without balls. Men with balls can speak any language under the sun. You come across men with balls in all religions and in all social circles. Men with balls can have had no education, some education, and a lot of education. There are men with balls to be stumbled upon in all types of careers. Men with balls can be bartenders, bell ringers, or bookbinders. They can be nurses, nautical engineers and neurologists. They may be postmen, professors and personal trainers. In short, you can find men with balls anywhere. It just takes your -now trained- eye to spot them. Have fun finding them!
